Reading People

Reading People: (Negotiation Part 2) Seems like a strange topic. This idea comes from a book I read called “What The Don’t Teach You at Harvard Business School” by Mark McCormack. It is about the only way to title this topic that really is about reading people. The Bible tells us that we see the outside of a person while God looks on the heart. It also tells us that what is inside of a person will come out. What is on the inside will determine how we act because it is our real value system. Values are our perspective on principles. Principles are timeless and unchanging truths.

Inside Out: I Samuel 16:1-13 God and Israel both had a king in mind for the nation. The place they differed on was who it would be. God Himself was their king, but they wanted an earthly one like the other nations. Saul was the initial choice of the people and he was turning out to be a failure as a king. David was God’s choice (Acts 13:21-22) but He let them decide first. They chose Saul and God allowed them to have him to prove to them that you cant judge a book by its cover. The people desired Saul based on the following verses.
1. I Samuel 8:5-7 They felt let down by the sons of Samuel and wanted a regular king like the other nations.
2. I Samuel 9:2, 10:21-24 They chose Saul based on his outward appearance and acclaimed that he was God’s choice also.
3. I Samuel 16:1 God tells Samuel that he rejected Saul as Israel’s king.
4. God has another person in mind for King. I Samuel 16:1-13
a. Israel thought that a king that looked good, would be good. God knows that looks are no indication of character or ability.
b. God also knew the how the heart is affected by power and authority and wanted a person who understood and submitted to authority.
5. God looks on the inside. 1Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
a. Even though we cannot see the heart like God can, we see the product of the heart lived out in life. Jesus explained this in Matthew 7:15-21 They will reveal what they are by their actions.
b. Jesus taught us how to read the inside of a person like He does. Matthew 7.
i. The wolf can look like a sheep if you dress him right, put him in a nice office with a nice watch and some impressive pictures on the wall.
ii. Thorn bushes can blossom and leaf up and look harmless but they are also fruitless. A close brush with them will leave a scar.
iii. The fruit of a tree will leave no doubt as to what type of tree it is. The ability to bear the fruit is locked up on the inside and not visible until the fruit is revealed. God can look inside and know what it is but we need to see it revealed.
c. Jesus used James to tell us this truth in another way in James 2:14-18. A man that says he has faith, shows (his faith is revealed and obvious) it or proves that he has it by his works.

Summary of the biblical pattern: God demonstrated to us the importance of reading or understanding people. He let Israel see that outward appearances can fool you and that you should look on the inside of man. Jesus showed us how those things on the inside will display themselves in behavior more than looks or speech.

Reading People from Behavior: This Biblical truth is well presented in the following steps to reading people. Jesus did not have to be told what was in man because He knew all men. He looked into their eyes and saw their hearts. We can look into their behavior and see their values and the principles they live by. The inside will come out eventually. We should use this process to discover the inside as soon as possible. Realize this however, that others will know us the same way.

1. Listen not just to what is being said, but how it is being said. If you leave enough pauses in the conversation, people will usually tell you more than they wanted to.
2. Observe aggressively. This means that you should watch their body language and their actions. Note nervousness, things that make them uncomfortable. Watch who they look at in a meeting. Who does the talking when you are working with a group.
3. Talk less and you will automatically learn more, hear more and see more. You will also say less “wrong” things if you simply say less things.
4. Take a second look at first impressions. First impressions are pretty reliable unless they have been tainted with prior opinions. John 2:24-25. Contemplate and think through first impressions by comparing them to what you see in continuing behavior.
5. Take time to use what you have learned. Consider the things you know before you make a follow up presentation or even before you respond in an initial meeting.
6. Be discreet with respect to what you think you have learned. If you feel, from your observations that they are insecure, don’t tell them you realize they are insecure. Don’t feel like you owe them an insight into yourself for every one that you see in them. Focus on your qualities and achievements that would help them in areas they are weak, not on your own weaknesses.
7. Be detached from the situation. Be able to step back and take a look at the situation in an unemotional manner. If the other side begins to get a little bit hot under the collar, a similar response from you will not only decrease your powers of observation, but will increase the likelihood that you will reveal things about yourself, or say something damaging.

Good negotiators read people well. They understand what it is that the other person really wants, even if that person cannot communicate it well with words.

Negotiating – Isaiah 1:18

Negotiating is a discussion with the intent to reach a mutually beneficial agreement. This is different from arguing which is usually a contentious dispute. Negotiation carries with it the idea that there is a place that both parties can get to that is satisfactory to both. It carries with it the idea of mediation. Today the popular phrase is “win – win” solution. That is the idea of negotiating. It is not necessarily about conflict, but has an emotional impact on many people.

Successful Negotiation Means Reasonable Behavior: Since the parties typically desire to reach common ground, they act reasonably. Reasoning is the Bible word.

1. Understanding the other person’s needs and wants. Work hard at understanding the principles they are using and how it has positioned them. This is where listening comes in handy.
a. Knowing the other person and what motivates them is a key to good negotiations. Often times in negotiation we give up things needlessly not understanding that they have no value to the other side.
b. Wants can be compromised. Needs usually will not be compromised. Understanding the needs of
2. Do not become emotional.
a. Emotions are not unusual in negotiations, but they hinder clear thinking and can cause a breakdown or even a cessation of the negotiation.
b. Feelings are not necessarily facts.
c. Emotions activate when a feeling of impending loss occurs. Loss of material things, even loss of reputation.
d. Emotions breed negativity which hinder the search for the mutually beneficial negotiation.
3. Stay focused on issues, not personalities.
a. Negotiations are about issues not about people.
b. When you understand the other side’s real needs, then join them in attempting to solve the problem in a way that meets your objectives in the agreement.
4. Don’t argue.
a. In a negotiation, both parties are seeking a common place. In an argument, each party is looking to pull the other off of their position.
b. How many arguments do you know where you convince the other side. Most times one of the two merely give up or in so that they can move on to more cheerful things.
5. Do not try to win at all costs.
a. A negotiation looks for the mutual benefit. Winning at all costs spoils the spirit of mutual benefit.
b. Fight the notion that any “win” for the other party is an automatic loss for you.
c. Look for the mutual benefit in all points of the arrangement.
d. Don’t seek the middle, seek the place of mediation. The place of “best fit” for both.

“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord” Isaiah 1:18

1. To reason is to think through something logically. Isaiah 1:18 is the challenge by God to consider something about our relationship.
a. We don’t know Him like we should. We know about Him, but do no know Him. Verses 1-10
i. We were made in His image to serve His purpose and have rebelled against Him.
ii. We do not consider what we are doing as wrong or bad. Verse 3
iii. We are not Israel, but this is a human pattern, not a national pattern. We will find this in the New Testament below.
b. We offer Him things that we think He wants, but in reality, are things that have no value to Him. Verses 11-15
i. Multitudes of sacrifices.
ii. Incense and oblations (offerings of things we do)
iii. Honoring special days and times.
iv. Feasts and seasons.
c. Not that any of these things in and of themselves are wrong, but that there is one major problem. Verse 15, our hands are full of blood.
d. Here is what He really wants:
i. Verse 16 He wants us to get clean and to cease from evil.
ii. Verse 17 He wants us to do well.
iii. Verse 18 He wants us to let Him do these things for us.
iv. This is why it is so important in a negotiation to find out what the other person really wants. It may shock and surprise you in a good way. That thing you might be unwilling or unable to do, you find out that the other side doesn’t want.
e. The thing that God really wants is also something that He is willing to do for us.

2. Paul Reasoned in the same manner in the New Testament. The basic pattern of mankind has never changed. Acts 17:1-4
a. Paul is reasoning with them out of the Scripture. He is using Isaiah.
b. The Jews in the synagogue thought they were doing what God wanted. Paul showed them where God rejected all of that because of their evil heart and wicked hands. He rejected the show.
c. Isaiah 53 is a chapter committed to Jesus, suffering, dying and being resurrected for us.
3. Paul showed them that they did not know God and so they sought after Him in unfruitful ways.
a. Acts 17:22 – 27 Paul reasoned with them about their superstitions.
b. He told them that they worshipped Him ignorantly. That is, they did not know Him nor how to approach Him. Paul declared unto them that this was the true God.
c. They had built all kinds of structures hoping He would inhabit them. But they did not know that He wants to inhabit us. We are the only suitable temple for God.
d. The looked in a far place, when all the while He is very close. Verse 27.

Listening

Listening: Listening is more than just hearing the words, its hearing and understanding the message. It requires our attention, and the proper reception and interpretation of the message. It requires that we are actively involved both mentally and physically in the conversation. Not all messages require that we provide a solution, or an opinion or even our own experience in the area discussed. On the road to Emmaus, Cleopas and another unnamed disciple were asked by Jesus (whom they did not recognize nor expect) what was the manner of their communications. They were sad. Jesus answered the core of their question and made their hearts burn. Luke 24:15-32.

Normal Listening:

1. Daydreaming while making listener sounds or body language.
2. Critiquing the one talking or the message.
3. Formulating a response.
4. Looking for your opening.
Ways to Listen:

1. Competitive or combative: We are interested in promoting our view point on the subject and not really concerned with understanding someone elses.
2. Attentive: We are genuinely interested in understanding the other person’s perspective on the subject.
3. Active: This type involves verifying what is being said through repeating or re-stating what is said as a way to fully understand and engage the person speaking.
a. Being able to listen is directly connected to being able to speak. Mark 7:34

On the road to Emmaus:

1. They had communed – (converse together with profound intensity) together. In communion, you become familiar with someone.

2. Jesus asked them the nature of their communication and why it made them sad.
a. He drew near
b. He went with them, where they were going. After He went along, He made it appear as if He was actually going further, but they invited Him to come in. He had made a real relationship bond out of listening to them and responding to their problem.
c. He asked with genuine concern

3. He concealed Himself from them even though He knew that they were discussing Him.
a. It was a subject for which no one could discuss the details better than He.
b. He listened knowing that His response would be from the Scriptures that they had with them. He did not have to formulate a response.

4. Luke 24:19, He responded by repeating their question. “what things?” Again, He knew full well what things they were talking about.
a. He involved Himself in the conversation by asking details of the things that were making them sad. The things over which they were talking.

5. He did not take several opportunities to jump in and rebut those things that they had said one by one.
a. They were cynical. They asked Him if He were merely a traveler.
b. They were emotional. “We trusted”
c. They were adamant. This is the third day.

6. Verse 27 After listening to them, He expounded unto them all the things that the Scriptures said about Him, without saying they were about Him.
a. He used what they had to explain their sadness.
b. He used something independent and not His feelings about what they said to show them their answer.
c. It made their heart burn in a satisfying way.

7. He would allow them to come to that realization on their own. Luke 24:35, it was in the breaking of bread that He would make Himself known to them.
a. They would come to the proper conclusion and therefore have total confidence in all He said back to them.
b. They went to the other 11 and announced that He was risen.

8. The real solution to all that they had discussed and the thing that had made them sad, was merely to know that the one they had trusted had not let them down.
a. That He was not defeated by the chief priests and rulers.
b. That He had in fact rose again the third day.
c. That they should believe what the prophets said about Him

9. To reveal the answer to them He did something that was so distinctive of Him, He took bread and broke it and blessed it.
a. It represented His body broken for them.
b. Yet He was there in the flesh.

10. Luke 24:32 Their hearts burned over the response of the Scriptures. They explained all that the disciples were desiring to know.

Jesus was and is a good listener. Today He is sitting on the right hand of the Father making intercession for us. He hears our prayers when we ask in His name.

Problem Solving

The Sunday Business Seminar teaches more than balance sheets and P&L statements. I dont know of anyone who does not face problems. Consider these lessons on problem solving.

Solving Problems: Problems come at will. (Luke 17:1) They appear to have a mind of their own and the worst timing. They can cause anxiety and heartache or they can provide a challenge. Much of our ability to solve them is connected to our understanding of why they come, how we could have contributed to them coming and how they are designed to draw out of us what God placed inside. There are problems in the life of every person in the Bible. Jesus faced problems and gave us examples of how to overcome.

Characteristics of problems, or what makes a situation a problem?
1. I have been faced with a decision in which its unclear as to how I should act. The consequences for acting wrongly may or may not be apparent, but the gravity of the situation is apparent.
2. It’s a complex situation that appears to have multiple outcomes or affect multiple people.
3. I cannot ignore it forever nor will it go away.

Recall why problems come from Hebrews 4:14-16
1. Build our tolerance and make us strong. We have an example. Hebrews 4:14
2. Build character through trial and make character apparent. Hebrews 4:15
3. Create life experiences. Hebrews 4:15
4. Increase our dependency on God. Hebrews 4:16 He wants us to come to Him and to depend on Him.
5. As a witness to the world of the power of God in us. II Corinthians 4:7-12

Solving the problem
1. The problem is based on a greater work that God desires to do in our lives. The first real step is to determine what aspect of my character is challenged by the problem. That is the area that God desires to work on.
2. Determine the desired outcome, or the improvement.
3. Find out what the Bible says about that area of my life. Determine the possible ways to reach the outcome desired with the Biblical guidelines. Break things down if the problem is too big to solve all at once. Seek godly council.
4. Prayerfully select the best method and move forward with it.

God’s work in our lives through problems: II Corinthians 4:7-18, Psalm 107
1. We have a treasure, but its held in a weak vessel. Verse 7
a. The power of the treasure and the weakness of the vessel leave no doubt as to which is strong and which is weak.
b. The gospel is glorious however the conditions under which we present it are less than glorious.
c. Sometimes God just steps in and rescues us without warning, and we glory in the powerful part. Other times, we see the power and wonder why He doesn’t step in.

2. Verse 8 – 11 shows what the power can do for us on a daily basis in the face of our problems. We are able to be this way because of the power of God. This is the proof to the world that the gospel really is powerful.
a. Troubled on every side without distress. The world faces all these problems, but they are distressed, in despair, forsaken, destroyed, facing death and scared to death.
b. Perplexed but not to despair, knowing that while the outcome seems unclear and that the solution is not in our grasp, we have confidence in the power of God and His Word to be our guide.
c. Persecuted but not forsaken
d. Cast down but not destroyed
e. Facing death every day without worry because of the resurrection. The fear of problems, outcomes and even death can be removed through the resurrection.

3. All these problems, including death work in us to produce or induce life in others. There are two goals at work with each problem. II Corinthians 4:15
a. Our sake – to work in us.
b. The thanksgiving of many – to work in others.
c. God is glorified.

4. We do not faint in our problems knowing that the power of God in us will be and appear victorious. Verse 16
a. The outward man is the weak part. All humans face the weakness of the body, emotions, thoughts.
b. The inward man can be renewed, rejuvenated and strengthened immediately through the power of God.

5. Without the affliction, there would be no glory. Verse 17-18
a. The affliction works for us.
b. It is lighter than we think.
c. It is shorter than we think.
d. The reward is weightier and greater than we expect.
e. The glory of God is brought to light by turning attention away from the weakness of the vessel and showing the power of the gospel.

Problems serve to make us stronger, witnesses to the world and glorifiy God.